Saturday, February 11, 2012

What Fear Isn't

To give you some perspective, and to maybe dispel any misconceptions that the previous exceedingly self-indulgent post may, in your mind have created, here are some things that this "fear" has nothing to do with:
-Alcohol and drugs - I have, and always have had a very healthy attitude towards these substances, and while I do indulge in alcoholic beverages I have never had any issues with substance abuse, so put that out of your mind.

- Eating Disorders or other mental/emotional illness - I have always felt pretty okay with my body. I'm not gonna lie here though, there have been times in my life where I was perhaps a little too focused on the size and shape of my body, and like most girls I have had an experience where I was perhaps been pushed a little close to the edge of obsession over my body. But after spending a few weeks hungry, and a few more watching my already tiny breasts shrink down to the size of - oh I don't know - an overweight 12 year old boy - I decided it was ridiculous to spend that much time worrying about the way that I looked, and instead decided to focus myself on being fit. I have also experienced a bit of an opposite issue as well - when after being treated for some relatively mild (although at the time it didn't seem so) Aleopecia, I gained about 40 lbs. Now I think it is fair to say that I gained some of this weight due to the steroid treatment itself, although I know that a big part of it was alot of the comfort eating and lack of activity due to social anxiety that made me gain the weight, Eventually I got my shit together and lost most of that weighed - and being that this was a relatively recent event in my life, I am still trying to get my body back together, but I am choosing to do it in a healthy way this time.

Depression - I am about one of the most positive people you will meet. If you find my perkiness annoying I wouldn't be surprised, and. . . sorry that''s just me. If I didn't have a positive attitude I think I would slowly sink into the abysmal woes that surround our world. I am so happy and proud to be an American girl, to have the beautiful loving family - God definitely knew what he was doing when he picked them out. I live in a great place, have a great job, know so many great friends. I have so many reasons to smile, laugh, I have every reason to feel good. So now you know, my fear has nothing to do with being preoccupied over the pointiness of my elbows.

-Sexuality - I am, and have always been totally heterosexual. Aside from kissing two girls in a game of spin the bottle back in college (yes college) I've pretty much always stuck to boys, and after that was convinced I always would. I have never had to face the terrible pain of hiding my sexuality, and I know that even if I was gay, my family and friends (most of them) would be there for me and support me 100%.

-Financial Issues - I have the greatest blessing of being financially stable in this horrifyingly effed up economy. This means for myself and many others that I know, that we are statistical miracles. I have,, in the past, worked three jobs at a time, had to numerously ask my parents for help, applied for financial hardship on my student loans, and eaten saltine crackers and jelly for dinner on the night before I got paid. That, my darlings is more than fair in this unfair world.

-Terminal Illness - I am 100% alive. I am not dying. I am not facing my own , short mortality. I have a body, you have a body, eventually that body stops. Eventually every body does. Now in order to be truthful, I want to address the following: I have had some medical struggles, and due to some of them, when I was 17 years old, the Make-a-Wish foundation picked me as a wish candidate. A few months later, one week after I graduated high school, and a couple of weeks before my eligibility ran out, they sent me on a Royal Caribbean Cruise, and they paid for everything - I parasailed, and swam with the dolphins, I got my hair braided. . . they even bought me a drink when we hit international waters. I was so lucky! I was so lucky to be given such an amazing gift, and not to be dying! I have always wondered what made them pick me. I am so grateful to the anonymous person who nominated me, and if you are reading this, I will be forever grateful. I am so grateful to you. I am so grateful to have my health, and to know that I was never, and never have been on the brink of having a short life.

Victimization - I have never been the victim of violence or abuse, and have always been surrounded by people who were loving, helpful and gentle. Emotional, physical and sexual . . . these qualities of my health have been left in tact by others. Except for the occasional middle school, high school or work-place bully, I have been treated with honor and respect by the humans around me. I have had the unfortunate and tragic experience of losing a friend to a brutal rape and murder. It happened in a building where I slept, and it was at the hands of a man/boy who lived in that building with us. I will never fully get over this, but this also has nothing to do with my fear.

So there I am. Totally, completely, uncomfortably 150% honest Katie. This fear that I have has nothing to do with the above issues. I've never lost a battle to any of them. I'm not currently fighting a battle with any of them. Don't get me wrong - I think I've survived - I think I've survived alot. I also believe that I've been undeservedly blessed with so much beauty and so little pain, and I'll always wonder why God has chosen to be so good to me in these ways.

None of that changes the fact that I have this one huge insecurity.

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